What a weekend this has been for me. For Sandpoint, it was a regional holiday- Lost In The 50's.
For some reason, that day that I woke up, I just couldn't handle the day. I was really excited for hubby to get the Cobra out and take it around the parade, but I just couldn't handle even thinking about taking 4 kids out to town that was going to be crowded with people- some drunk and loud and some not, but this prego body wasn't going to be able to stand the whole time and watch everything go on.
It seemed that from the moment I woke that day till I fell asleep, I just cried and cried. I couldn't even give you a concrete answer for why. I was just sad and lonely.
So as I kissed hubby goodbye and watched him drive away to the parade and watching my kids pile up in their aunt's car for a good time... there I sat at the kitchen table with my (almost) 2 yr old and cried. When my mom came over to keep me company, all she had to ask was how I was doing.... my head just fell into my hands and the tears just kept coming. All I could mutter was that it was just a bad day for me. I couldn't even decide what to do. Getting out of the house would be nice, but i didn't want to be around people. I wanted to eat but couldn't tell you anything I wanted..... I sound really peachy, huh.
Finally we decided to head to CDA for some Chinese... which was good and I was able to relax a little and even smiled as I watched Charlie Joe talk to people as they passed by and chomp down on some broccoli.
By the time hubby came home... I was once again back in my funk. He was sweet and trying his best to help and comfort me, but I just couldn't shake this fog that took over my all. Finally... I decided to relax and get some shut eye- after all, tomorrow would have to be better!
And Saturday was better. I was able to spend some quality time with hubby - which was much needed. We relaxed all morning and chatted and he finally was able to get me to spill the beans on my emotions. I always feel so reluctant to do so. The last thing I want to seem like is an ungrateful, snobby, whiny, nagging, B- of a wife and mom. But he insisted on hearing what I had going on .... he said it helps him understand me and what I am going through at the moment... I just feel like such the biggest loser and so weak when I vomit my emotions on him... especially when it has NOTHING to do with him :) I love the guy.. I don't want to scare him away.
The best way for me to describe what I have going on emotionally inside is some sort of anger and loneliness. I feel like I am in the middle of a twister where everyone around me is living their life and I am standing alone with 4 kids pulling on me in every direction... and I have no where to go- nothing to do.
I am generally not so negative about life and silly things but every little thing drives me to such anger and just mean thoughts. For example... and please don't judge me... I am usually not so MEAN... One day last week I stopped by the post office and as I was getting out of my car I noticed the car next to me had a large bird inside... this was her pet. She was driving with her BIRD as one would do with their dog. Now, that just seemed so absolutely RIDICULOUS to me. Why in the world would anyone take their BIRD for a drive... loose in the car... and I have to add, with their large dog in the back. That just drove me coo-coo... and so hard for me to NOT say anything to that poor lady. What makes me laugh at myself is that her life has NOTHING to do with me or effects me in anyway what so ever... but something so silly as that pushes me over an emotional edge.
I can't understand why I feel so miserable when I should feel so happy and blessed. I have a great family... yeah the kids push my buttons, but overall, I have a great family. I was blessed with another baby that will be here in September and I have a hubby that is supportive that I am not working at the moment. I have a nice home, food to eat, clothes to wear, children that think I am still the best mom when when I am in my worse moments and hubby still tells me that I am beautiful EVERY day.
So why do I feel so lonely and so worthless?? Is there anything for me? Will photography be there for me again when this baby enters our world?? Will people still want me to capture their little ones??? Will we ever be able to get this property looking as we dreamed it to be?? Will these moods ever go away??
....... Back to our Saturday.... it really was a nice day together. We even made it to a movie :) I have never before seen our theater so packed! That was crazy!
We ended our night with a little "nooky nooky". Ok and not to give too much info, but has anyone else reached the big "O" and busted out laughing???
This was just not a little giggle, this was tears rolling- face contorting- snorting- lAuGHiNg OuT LouD. We both just the biggest laugh.... I think it was because I got those lovely charlie horses in both my legs and for some reason it became funny... can we say BAD TIMING?! But either way.. laughing during or after the nitty gritty ... is pretty darn cool!
...Aren't you glad you received that info?? I am sure it just made your day- getting to know me THAT much more :)
And now its Sunday.... and those emotions came back in FULL swing this morning. I really wish I could control them...make them go away. I try very hard- I do. But they seriously just suck the life and happy out of me.
Hubby tried this morning to give me some comfort and tried making me laugh, but nothing was working. He even told me to get out of the house and go out to lunch, but at that moment all I wanted to do was lay in bed and wait for my tears to stop and dry up for good!
Finally I kicked myself out of bed and got dressed-and passed right by the mirror so I didn't get sucked into that pity place again.
I was doing ok, till hubby came and gave me a hug.... just feeling him comfort me, I couldn't hold it in anymore... and I just let myself cry on his shoulders. This poor guy..... I would imagine that he is happy to get away from me at times LOL. He gave me another hug and told me to go buy some shoes ..something that would make me happy. Ohh how sweet is he?! He was trying so hard- doing the best that he can. This guy works so many hours to take care of us and he was working MORE- all so I could go buy some shoes or something to make me happy. yeah... I think he loves me :)
I would love to say that the day was easy peasy... but c'mon... any mom that has more than 1 kid knows that most times it doesn't go that smooth. I do have to say that 3 out of 4 were great. I guess we all have to have at least one black sheep once in a while ;)
I tried to go into 3 different stores to look around but we seriously were not in there for more than 3 min and we had to leave... EVERY TIME due to a screaming and kicking 2 yr old. Temper Tantrum doesn't even describe what was going on. He was great in the car but as soon as we get into the store.... it was all over with. He was NOT having anything to do with any kind of shopping.
I finally had to get a pep talk or a rescue talk from hubby. He basically said to do whatever I had to do.. bribe the kid! I am not one of those shoppers that feeds candy or anything just to get in some shopping but today was a different day. I bought a BIG box of fruit snacks and when those little legs started kicking, I opened up a package and fed the little monster!
SUCCESS!
I was able to shop 3 stores successfully. He only needed snacks for one store. But you know what made my heart sing??? Other than the cute shoes and shirts I got, was the big hugs and gentle touches I got from my little monster. When I had my little break down in the car and we got out.... he wrapped his little arms around my neck as tight as he could and gave me the best hug. It was a much needed hug.
At that moment I had to cry one more last time and thank God for the little gifts in my life.
**the next time I write, I will be writing about something happy and uplifting. I need to rid these negative nelly feelings out of my body and home****
For some reason, that day that I woke up, I just couldn't handle the day. I was really excited for hubby to get the Cobra out and take it around the parade, but I just couldn't handle even thinking about taking 4 kids out to town that was going to be crowded with people- some drunk and loud and some not, but this prego body wasn't going to be able to stand the whole time and watch everything go on.
It seemed that from the moment I woke that day till I fell asleep, I just cried and cried. I couldn't even give you a concrete answer for why. I was just sad and lonely.
So as I kissed hubby goodbye and watched him drive away to the parade and watching my kids pile up in their aunt's car for a good time... there I sat at the kitchen table with my (almost) 2 yr old and cried. When my mom came over to keep me company, all she had to ask was how I was doing.... my head just fell into my hands and the tears just kept coming. All I could mutter was that it was just a bad day for me. I couldn't even decide what to do. Getting out of the house would be nice, but i didn't want to be around people. I wanted to eat but couldn't tell you anything I wanted..... I sound really peachy, huh.
Finally we decided to head to CDA for some Chinese... which was good and I was able to relax a little and even smiled as I watched Charlie Joe talk to people as they passed by and chomp down on some broccoli.
By the time hubby came home... I was once again back in my funk. He was sweet and trying his best to help and comfort me, but I just couldn't shake this fog that took over my all. Finally... I decided to relax and get some shut eye- after all, tomorrow would have to be better!
And Saturday was better. I was able to spend some quality time with hubby - which was much needed. We relaxed all morning and chatted and he finally was able to get me to spill the beans on my emotions. I always feel so reluctant to do so. The last thing I want to seem like is an ungrateful, snobby, whiny, nagging, B- of a wife and mom. But he insisted on hearing what I had going on .... he said it helps him understand me and what I am going through at the moment... I just feel like such the biggest loser and so weak when I vomit my emotions on him... especially when it has NOTHING to do with him :) I love the guy.. I don't want to scare him away.
The best way for me to describe what I have going on emotionally inside is some sort of anger and loneliness. I feel like I am in the middle of a twister where everyone around me is living their life and I am standing alone with 4 kids pulling on me in every direction... and I have no where to go- nothing to do.
I am generally not so negative about life and silly things but every little thing drives me to such anger and just mean thoughts. For example... and please don't judge me... I am usually not so MEAN... One day last week I stopped by the post office and as I was getting out of my car I noticed the car next to me had a large bird inside... this was her pet. She was driving with her BIRD as one would do with their dog. Now, that just seemed so absolutely RIDICULOUS to me. Why in the world would anyone take their BIRD for a drive... loose in the car... and I have to add, with their large dog in the back. That just drove me coo-coo... and so hard for me to NOT say anything to that poor lady. What makes me laugh at myself is that her life has NOTHING to do with me or effects me in anyway what so ever... but something so silly as that pushes me over an emotional edge.
I can't understand why I feel so miserable when I should feel so happy and blessed. I have a great family... yeah the kids push my buttons, but overall, I have a great family. I was blessed with another baby that will be here in September and I have a hubby that is supportive that I am not working at the moment. I have a nice home, food to eat, clothes to wear, children that think I am still the best mom when when I am in my worse moments and hubby still tells me that I am beautiful EVERY day.
So why do I feel so lonely and so worthless?? Is there anything for me? Will photography be there for me again when this baby enters our world?? Will people still want me to capture their little ones??? Will we ever be able to get this property looking as we dreamed it to be?? Will these moods ever go away??
....... Back to our Saturday.... it really was a nice day together. We even made it to a movie :) I have never before seen our theater so packed! That was crazy!
We ended our night with a little "nooky nooky". Ok and not to give too much info, but has anyone else reached the big "O" and busted out laughing???
This was just not a little giggle, this was tears rolling- face contorting- snorting- lAuGHiNg OuT LouD. We both just the biggest laugh.... I think it was because I got those lovely charlie horses in both my legs and for some reason it became funny... can we say BAD TIMING?! But either way.. laughing during or after the nitty gritty ... is pretty darn cool!
...Aren't you glad you received that info?? I am sure it just made your day- getting to know me THAT much more :)
And now its Sunday.... and those emotions came back in FULL swing this morning. I really wish I could control them...make them go away. I try very hard- I do. But they seriously just suck the life and happy out of me.
Hubby tried this morning to give me some comfort and tried making me laugh, but nothing was working. He even told me to get out of the house and go out to lunch, but at that moment all I wanted to do was lay in bed and wait for my tears to stop and dry up for good!
Finally I kicked myself out of bed and got dressed-and passed right by the mirror so I didn't get sucked into that pity place again.
I was doing ok, till hubby came and gave me a hug.... just feeling him comfort me, I couldn't hold it in anymore... and I just let myself cry on his shoulders. This poor guy..... I would imagine that he is happy to get away from me at times LOL. He gave me another hug and told me to go buy some shoes ..something that would make me happy. Ohh how sweet is he?! He was trying so hard- doing the best that he can. This guy works so many hours to take care of us and he was working MORE- all so I could go buy some shoes or something to make me happy. yeah... I think he loves me :)
I would love to say that the day was easy peasy... but c'mon... any mom that has more than 1 kid knows that most times it doesn't go that smooth. I do have to say that 3 out of 4 were great. I guess we all have to have at least one black sheep once in a while ;)
I tried to go into 3 different stores to look around but we seriously were not in there for more than 3 min and we had to leave... EVERY TIME due to a screaming and kicking 2 yr old. Temper Tantrum doesn't even describe what was going on. He was great in the car but as soon as we get into the store.... it was all over with. He was NOT having anything to do with any kind of shopping.
I finally had to get a pep talk or a rescue talk from hubby. He basically said to do whatever I had to do.. bribe the kid! I am not one of those shoppers that feeds candy or anything just to get in some shopping but today was a different day. I bought a BIG box of fruit snacks and when those little legs started kicking, I opened up a package and fed the little monster!
SUCCESS!
I was able to shop 3 stores successfully. He only needed snacks for one store. But you know what made my heart sing??? Other than the cute shoes and shirts I got, was the big hugs and gentle touches I got from my little monster. When I had my little break down in the car and we got out.... he wrapped his little arms around my neck as tight as he could and gave me the best hug. It was a much needed hug.
At that moment I had to cry one more last time and thank God for the little gifts in my life.
**the next time I write, I will be writing about something happy and uplifting. I need to rid these negative nelly feelings out of my body and home****
What a great post! Thanks for being so open and honest about what I think a lot of us feel, but don't want to admit to or put into words. It's good to know those emotional days are a-ok!
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