EEEkkkkkk!

i was getting ready to post when I received a call from Lilly & Matty's dad.
He wanted to ask how I felt about them traveling ALONE. ACK! Well ... as I was trying my best to hold back my tears... my head was flooded by all these terrible things that could happen to them- being all alone. I don't think I am ready to let go of my kids like that.

Oh my mommy head is throbbing. I am going to have to do a LOT of praying to get that question answered, because without God with me on this..... I will never be able to let them grow up :(



I was reading a blog post from another friend and she mentioned this funk she has been in... I am SO there.. and have been so for so long. These days I just wonder if it will ever go away. I have moments of happiness but it seems I spend more time worried and angry. She had decided to first pray about it - and I need to start doing better about my relationship with God- and 2. get dressed in the morning... she also added walking ,but I think I will let her keep that part :)

Could I make myself feel better by trying to look a little better?? Maybe if I sat outside for a few minutes alone, that would help me clear my head for the day.

I really need to start doing something... i feel like I am dragging myself down to places I just dont want to be in.


For right now, I am going to take something for this headache I enjoying now and try to let all those things that seem to rub me wrong, just slide off my skin.

:)

Silly Faces

Yesterday I was gearing up the camera bag for a quick shoot for a client..... When I pulled out the camera little Charlie Joe comes running sticking his face in the lens...

At that moment he was smiling, but as soon as I actually started to take a photo.... this is what I got.

Only a face a momma can love :)



"c'mon buddy... can you smile"?



"charlie Joe!! Phhhleease? Let momma see your teeth"


"ohhh... You wanna go bye- bye?? We can go play with friends"
(this is me now begging and pleadding with a toddler... just to smile)
YES! VICTORY!
Even if I had to bribe the kid!

Mommy Day

The other day as I sat on the couch with hubby, he made me see stars!! He asked me if he would like me to take the kids so I can have a day to myself.. to either relax or go buy more shoes.

Whhhhaaattt????
Hell Yeah!

To some that may seem like nothing special for whatever reasons, but to me... that was the WORLD!!

As I was getting ready for my day I just couldn't decide what to do really. Clean up a little or go shopping... and if I go shopping, what do i go shopping for? My fave shoes were from 2 years ago so I know no one carried them anymore... paint for the studio? Curtains for the house? ACK! I couldn't decide.. so i got dressed and even put on a little makeup, grabbed my older son from school and my camera and we hit the streets of sandpoint for some photo fun.

It felt great to play again- he even had a good time. I love being able to spend a little one on one time with each kid.. they all make me smile!!

Here are some photos from my Mommy Day!

In the middle of our "shoot" I had to stop and smell the flowers. These first flowers are one of my faves. i wish I had a yard FULL of them!

And these fluffy fun flowers, remind me of childhood... just laying in the grass blowing all the "petals" and making childhood dreams :)

I'm Singing The Blues

What a weekend this has been for me. For Sandpoint, it was a regional holiday- Lost In The 50's.
For some reason, that day that I woke up, I just couldn't handle the day. I was really excited for hubby to get the Cobra out and take it around the parade, but I just couldn't handle even thinking about taking 4 kids out to town that was going to be crowded with people- some drunk and loud and some not, but this prego body wasn't going to be able to stand the whole time and watch everything go on.

It seemed that from the moment I woke that day till I fell asleep, I just cried and cried. I couldn't even give you a concrete answer for why. I was just sad and lonely.
So as I kissed hubby goodbye and watched him drive away to the parade and watching my kids pile up in their aunt's car for a good time... there I sat at the kitchen table with my (almost) 2 yr old and cried. When my mom came over to keep me company, all she had to ask was how I was doing.... my head just fell into my hands and the tears just kept coming. All I could mutter was that it was just a bad day for me. I couldn't even decide what to do. Getting out of the house would be nice, but i didn't want to be around people. I wanted to eat but couldn't tell you anything I wanted..... I sound really peachy, huh.
Finally we decided to head to CDA for some Chinese... which was good and I was able to relax a little and even smiled as I watched Charlie Joe talk to people as they passed by and chomp down on some broccoli.

By the time hubby came home... I was once again back in my funk. He was sweet and trying his best to help and comfort me, but I just couldn't shake this fog that took over my all. Finally... I decided to relax and get some shut eye- after all, tomorrow would have to be better!

And Saturday was better. I was able to spend some quality time with hubby - which was much needed. We relaxed all morning and chatted and he finally was able to get me to spill the beans on my emotions. I always feel so reluctant to do so. The last thing I want to seem like is an ungrateful, snobby, whiny, nagging, B- of a wife and mom. But he insisted on hearing what I had going on .... he said it helps him understand me and what I am going through at the moment... I just feel like such the biggest loser and so weak when I vomit my emotions on him... especially when it has NOTHING to do with him :) I love the guy.. I don't want to scare him away.
The best way for me to describe what I have going on emotionally inside is some sort of anger and loneliness. I feel like I am in the middle of a twister where everyone around me is living their life and I am standing alone with 4 kids pulling on me in every direction... and I have no where to go- nothing to do.

I am generally not so negative about life and silly things but every little thing drives me to such anger and just mean thoughts. For example... and please don't judge me... I am usually not so MEAN... One day last week I stopped by the post office and as I was getting out of my car I noticed the car next to me had a large bird inside... this was her pet. She was driving with her BIRD as one would do with their dog. Now, that just seemed so absolutely RIDICULOUS to me. Why in the world would anyone take their BIRD for a drive... loose in the car... and I have to add, with their large dog in the back. That just drove me coo-coo... and so hard for me to NOT say anything to that poor lady. What makes me laugh at myself is that her life has NOTHING to do with me or effects me in anyway what so ever... but something so silly as that pushes me over an emotional edge.

I can't understand why I feel so miserable when I should feel so happy and blessed. I have a great family... yeah the kids push my buttons, but overall, I have a great family. I was blessed with another baby that will be here in September and I have a hubby that is supportive that I am not working at the moment. I have a nice home, food to eat, clothes to wear, children that think I am still the best mom when when I am in my worse moments and hubby still tells me that I am beautiful EVERY day.

So why do I feel so lonely and so worthless?? Is there anything for me? Will photography be there for me again when this baby enters our world?? Will people still want me to capture their little ones??? Will we ever be able to get this property looking as we dreamed it to be?? Will these moods ever go away??

....... Back to our Saturday.... it really was a nice day together. We even made it to a movie :) I have never before seen our theater so packed! That was crazy!

We ended our night with a little "nooky nooky". Ok and not to give too much info, but has anyone else reached the big "O" and busted out laughing???
This was just not a little giggle, this was tears rolling- face contorting- snorting- lAuGHiNg OuT LouD. We both just the biggest laugh.... I think it was because I got those lovely charlie horses in both my legs and for some reason it became funny... can we say BAD TIMING?! But either way.. laughing during or after the nitty gritty ... is pretty darn cool!

...Aren't you glad you received that info?? I am sure it just made your day- getting to know me THAT much more :)



And now its Sunday.... and those emotions came back in FULL swing this morning. I really wish I could control them...make them go away. I try very hard- I do. But they seriously just suck the life and happy out of me.
Hubby tried this morning to give me some comfort and tried making me laugh, but nothing was working. He even told me to get out of the house and go out to lunch, but at that moment all I wanted to do was lay in bed and wait for my tears to stop and dry up for good!
Finally I kicked myself out of bed and got dressed-and passed right by the mirror so I didn't get sucked into that pity place again.
I was doing ok, till hubby came and gave me a hug.... just feeling him comfort me, I couldn't hold it in anymore... and I just let myself cry on his shoulders. This poor guy..... I would imagine that he is happy to get away from me at times LOL. He gave me another hug and told me to go buy some shoes ..something that would make me happy. Ohh how sweet is he?! He was trying so hard- doing the best that he can. This guy works so many hours to take care of us and he was working MORE- all so I could go buy some shoes or something to make me happy. yeah... I think he loves me :)


I would love to say that the day was easy peasy... but c'mon... any mom that has more than 1 kid knows that most times it doesn't go that smooth. I do have to say that 3 out of 4 were great. I guess we all have to have at least one black sheep once in a while ;)
I tried to go into 3 different stores to look around but we seriously were not in there for more than 3 min and we had to leave... EVERY TIME due to a screaming and kicking 2 yr old. Temper Tantrum doesn't even describe what was going on. He was great in the car but as soon as we get into the store.... it was all over with. He was NOT having anything to do with any kind of shopping.
I finally had to get a pep talk or a rescue talk from hubby. He basically said to do whatever I had to do.. bribe the kid! I am not one of those shoppers that feeds candy or anything just to get in some shopping but today was a different day. I bought a BIG box of fruit snacks and when those little legs started kicking, I opened up a package and fed the little monster!

SUCCESS!

I was able to shop 3 stores successfully. He only needed snacks for one store. But you know what made my heart sing??? Other than the cute shoes and shirts I got, was the big hugs and gentle touches I got from my little monster. When I had my little break down in the car and we got out.... he wrapped his little arms around my neck as tight as he could and gave me the best hug. It was a much needed hug.

At that moment I had to cry one more last time and thank God for the little gifts in my life.




**the next time I write, I will be writing about something happy and uplifting. I need to rid these negative nelly feelings out of my body and home****

Huh?!

There are a few things that I just don't understand when it comes to kids... Not babies or toddlers, but the older ones. I am hoping those that have older kids can chime in here...

Every day things are the same. Each has the same chores, the same rules... Same SAME S A M E
so that is why I find it difficult to understand why my house looks the way it does EACH and every SINGLE day. I mean, C'mon!!!

Today I have noticed that my frustration and annoying ability has grown deeper and deeper the more the day goes on. By now, for instance, I am so annoyed with everything and pretty much every one (no offense- just the way it is)
I looked down my hallway and I see PILES of blankets and other misc sheets... just laying there... just a few inches from the closet they were once in. Now I would LOVE to say that I have raised my kids pretty darn good. We have instilled manners and a bunch of other little things we find important... but one thing they can NOT seem to grasp is the fact of if something is not in its place or has fallen out- ESPECIALLY if you walk by or over it a few times a day...PICK THE DARN THINGS UP!!

This is where I loose my momma cool. I just DONT get it. At this moment I am so physically tired of repeating myself, I am gonna take a nap... and hopefully by the time I get gray hair... at least ONE child of mine that I have raised has finally listened.

I'm not asking for much... just pick up your stuff... otherwise I can't promise how much longer I can keep away the foaming-at-the-mouth, eye- twitching, head bouncing, mom :)

A Beautiful Day

There are so many things in life that we take for granted... I know for me lately I have been one BIG negative Nelly. And for good reason. I am ONE uncomfortable- hormonal- coo-coo- prego woman. In fact, I should do everyone a favor by just wearing a sign around my neck that gives people a warning that there is no filter on my so called mouth of mine. Seriously...ANYTHING will come out.

Ok, but back to the "for granted" statement.

A few days ago I had one of my melt down moments because I felt like I hadn't seen my hubby in a while... and I hadn't. But he warned me a a week ago that due to his schedule, school and Lost In The 50's, I probably won't see him much at all. He is one busy man. Well I guess I just blocked it out or hoped that it wouldn't all be true. I have been SO needy lately that it has consumed our lives. It's in those moments where I get so blinded on all that he does for our family. And yes, I get selfish. I have in my mind that way that he should do things... which is so unfair.. I'm not the boss of him nor do I control him.... he knows more than I do what needs to be done. He is after all the man of the house. But I do have to remind him once in awhile, that there are 5 people here in the house and in his life that miss him and really need his time as much as his job or school does.
I am amazed on how many hours this guy works... NO WAY would I be able to do the things he does. I value sleep WAY too much. One of the things that tickles me is how open and willing he is to take one of the kids to the job site. Christopher is usually the lucky one, and he LOVES it out there... but Charley brings his little partner in crime with him.... and they have a good day and come back home all dirty from a hard days work :)
Charley NEVER complains or whines about what money we don't have. Which is awesome, because I am the worry wart on that one. But he is quick to put a hand on my shoulder to remind me that God will provide. And He always does!
And this guy is so patient. So much more than I am. I know the kids will one day really appreciate that. When there is a pocket of time in the day or night, he gracefully welcomes the kids climbing all over him or wrestles with them all on the floor. My kids... and I .... are very blessed to have this man in our life, who works so hard for us to have the things we have. And I so quickly forget and take for granted those little things he does. It is nice to not have the burden of him nagging me to work or find a job. He is so happy with me being at home being a mom and a housewife... although... I do go a little crazy, but it is really nice to have that luxury. Again... he scarifies a lot for us.

*** Charley, thank you so much for all you do for us. I know you are a hard worker and I appreciate it all. I am proud of you for what you do. Working full time and going to school and all the other little things you do, its a lot... and you NEVER complain. I am sorry that I do not thank you enough or show you enough how much I appreciate all you do. I love you with all my heart and soul... and I proud to be your wife :)
****

Another thing we can easily take for granted is car windows..... I know that sounds odd, but once you do not have access to be able to roll your windows down... you might possibly go crazy!
One day my windows stopped working along with all my instruments in the car... so no gas gauge, odometer, interior lights, radio....etc. Well, what seemed like a few months, we, together as a team we were able to get the instruments back working waHoOoo and he took the car in to get the windows back... and let me tell you how wonderful it was to feel that fresh air again while driving..... it was WONDERFUL. my kids always had this "perfect" timing for letting out this powerful smelly gas from their bottoms and as they all thought it was funny... I was turning green and now way able to get the smell out until I got out of the car.. so being able to use those windows again was amazing. Thank you baby!


So today was a big treat for me as I was able to drive down the highway in this beautiful weather with my windows rolled down and the radio turned up!!

This morning when I woke, I remembered that this weekend was the big Just Between Friends consignment sale in CDA. It worked out for me today that I was able to go... and just before leaving, hubby told me that my SIL would be able to watch the kids for me. SCORE! Of course as I was leaving I received 3 pouty looks from the kids and thankfully the man of the house spoke up in my defensive and explained that "momma needs a day off and time for herself too"... hearing those words was like .....foreplay....with chocolate covered strawberries and nice glass of bubbly wine!

So out the the consignment sale I went... all...by...myself :) and I was going to meet up with an old friend.. it was going to be a great day. Seeing my friend and her ADORABLE little baby was nice, but I was disappointed in not finding the clothes I needed, BUT, I did score a bassinet for the new baby for $12. I was SUPER happy with that!! At least that was one things crossed off my baby list :)
My next stop was Costco. When I pulled into the parking lot, you could smell home baked cookies coming from inside. I don't think I got out of my car fast enough. It smelt so good!! And yes I did manage to get cookies...and fruit... and more baked goods.... and pound cake. I LOVE me some pound cake. And I loved the lady that was giving the samples out of it. I wish I could have taken her home with me. When I walked up she asked how far along I was and kept complimenting me on how great I looked. At first I didn't know what to say! After she said it again and then asked what number baby this was and then in shocked asked what I was doing to look so great... I couldn't stop smiling. The feeling of looking like a Oompha Loopa pass for a few moments. Thank you Costco lady... you made my day!!!

We closed the night by having some yummy rib eye steaks, corn on the cob and potatoes..... so my belly is full, body is sore and extremely tired.... but it was a great day.


Here is a pic of the prego creature! Its funny looking at this because I see so many "flaws". But I do have to be grateful for the gift that God has given us. I know there are many women out there who can't have any children and I am one of the blessed one that is able to carry a baby. No matter how ugly it makes me look or feel, it is still a blessing. It is really amazing to be able to feel this growing miracle inside me and knowing that in a few (long) months, I will be able to meet this little person. So till then you are going to have to ignore my acne- teenage skin, basketball large belly, hips, thighs, arms and face and ignore that extra fuzz growing all over my body. One day ( I pray) it will all go back to normal and I won't feel like a freak of nature :) By that time, I will just feel like an everyday overworked mom :)

Bath Time with BOYS

Bubble Bubble... Boys And Bubbles

bath time for the boys (younger ones) .... should include a warning that says:


I still till this day- 4 kids later- have figured out why I- the loving mom that I am- seem to get more wet than they do. No matter what I do to prepare either of us, I still have to change clothes after bath time.....and want a bottle of wine. Ohh... shoo.. was that my inside voice being loud again?!

Today was a pretty busy day. The first half of the day was spent outside at the park.. OH MAN.. how lovely that was. We actually got to do therapy at the park! I am sure a lot of you moms here in Sandpoint were enjoying this wonderful weather. It was the perfect day. The sun was giving off the perfect amount of heat and the wind was blowing just enough to cool you down. As happy as I was to get in the car and relax, I was dreading going home and looking at my 4 walls again. But my prayers were answered when I realized that my day was not done. I grabbed kid #4 from school and we sped fast up to Hope to drop off some kind of tool looking things for hubby and back into town for more appt and grocery shopping. Ok for real this time I was ready to be home AND in bed. But ...OH NO... this momma still had work to do.
It was once again time to feed those little monsters and see if I could waddle myself to the bathroom to wash two of them before they turned into Gremlins. When I announced bath time, the 2 younger ones came running towards me and the 2 older ones ran toward their rooms as fast as they could...Hmmm I was sensing not all was excited for bath time. Ohhh HEHEhehehe I will have to share shower time with older kids at another post... that is pretty humorous.

So boys come running and the first thing they do is rip off clothes and streak through the house. I guess it's a little boy ritual. But it sure is funny to see little bums running through the house and hearing them laughing as they make it back across the house. Of course in their streak of freedom, they come baring toys of all sizes to bathe with.

...Now... there is NOTHING like wanting to take a mommy bath with a tub filled with plastic toys. If a bath is REALLY needed for mom.... heck, I'll float with trains, trucks and odd creature looking toys.

Bubbles filled the tub and the bathroom filled with shrieks. They have found 2 cups to play with. Great.. this can mean only one thing for me. Its a wet t-shirt party! Too bad hubby wasn't here to admire the benefits of a prego wife :) After all, these babies won't be around for ever!

At first things were pretty calm but once child A started thinking that pouring water on brother was WAY more fun than on himself... well.... it all goes down hill from there!

I was able to snap a few pictures of bath time fun.






Gettin' a little muscle action for the camera!


This look says to me...
"whatcha ya lookin at Willis"





Yeah... these photos makes my heart happy.