Becoming One With Myself

The last few days have been NUTS. Well, it's mostly me doing this hormonal rollercoaster AND being a girl AND feeling needy. Not only did I need some attention from my hubby but I wanted NO attention from the kids- for just a moment.. just to use the bathroom on my own, fold laundry without the sounds of fighting or just a moment to eat a meal in quiet. I need to get on my routine and get back to the gym. I am realizing more and more each day that my once 20 yr old body is long gone. Just looking to find a way to celebrate and love my "new" mommy body lol.. Things are not as tight as they used to be. umm yuck.
So this afternoon, my friend, Becca and I, hit the gym for a yoga class. I figure this would be relaxing and fun :) Well, sometime yesterday I got hit with a BUNCH of energy as well as a bunch of words that I feel like I need to get out as fast as I can... so when we walked into the yoga room, I paced around wondering where I should be... I opted to get as close as I could to Becca without it being too awkward. The lights were off, it was cool in there and my fave music was playing- this should be good!!
I felt like I had ADHD in there. I couldn't stop looking what the instructor was doing, I kept fidgeting, I noticed my breathing was a lot faster than everyone else in there and most of the stretches where actually hurting me instead of helping me. WTH?
While everyone else was concentrating and focusing on their inner self, I was stretching my toes, making notes to myself that I need a pedicure, thinking that I should have washed my hair, plotting to take a shower, then remembering that my armpits were hairy and don't let anyone look at them, noticing then that my legs were just as hairy- now I was thinking I really wanted a shower... as we moved into the next position... I kept hoping that my body didn't make any weird sounds because it was all WAY too quiet in there.

I just couldn't take it seriously for some reason. Becca was sitting in front of me- and as we faced the mirrors it was so hard to not start waving my arms around like she had 4 arms! When the instructor went into this bend forward on one foot and balance pose.... I had to bite my lip to not make giggling noises or comments. All of that grace that I once had.. yeah- that is all gone.

When the class ended- we didn't even know that the class had stopped. We sat up and looked at each other like, "huh- it's over"

So, I felt like I wasn't so much "one with myself" but more like... what do I do now??!! Almost... ALMOST wanted to get my zumba on or try that scary boot camp class.. but of course we opted to leave and do some grocery shopping.

It feels better to get back on "track"- emotionally- now only if I could get this laundry back on track- life would be grand!

The Pain Of Motherhood

I know it seems that I only write about the bad and the ugly... we do have some pretty wonderful days and I guess I don't write about them because I am in the moment enjoying every bit of it as I can...

The last few days have been a little painful. I have had some major issues with my nerve damage that seems to be effecting a little more of my leg each day- which is making my back hurt. Jack has been having this INSANE sleeping schedule which includes me sleeping awkardly and getting up every 1.5hr to feed him.
Yesterday I decided that I was going to restock my gripe water and make that pacifer a part of his bedtime routine. Last night went a little better than the previous nights  but tonight... I'm in trouble. I headed to bed sleepy and determined to actually sleep. I layed my head down only to realize that even though I was sleepy- I just could not fall asleep. But FINALLY at 2a.m. I get to dream land....that ride didn't last long as my sweet little one woke at 3a.m. and was ready to take on the day. Bad timing little one. seriously.

Not only have I been dealing with my "nerves" but also been dealing with some kind of upset stomach. I have had no real appetite lately oe when I do eat, I feel more sick then when I started. And now this new sleep issue- ugh.

Late this morning I am doing 2 cake smash sessions and as excited as I am, I am REALLY hoping that my excitement will keep me awake for it... ok and that afterwards both my smaller ones will nap at the same time so that I may take a nap.

I foresee it's going to be a fend-for-yourself-dinner nights

Rabid Pack Of Baboons

Yup- thats what I am calling them... In fact there are 5 of them- but one doesnt count just becuase he's still in that CUTE mode. I have named them Lilly, Matty, Christopher, and Charlie Joe. Holy Freaking BABOON balls!
The day started- last week!! The schools up here called for an Easter break- which is totally different than spring break. What's the point of a 4 day weekend?? To torture the parents with candy-filled children?? Hmmm, someone needs to teach that calendar person a lesson!! I had great plans for them but they quickly deminished like my milk boobs. All I wanted was a fun-filled- great attitude- I love you mom- you are the best- weekend, but Nooooooooooooooo that was a little too much to ask for :(

I wanted to really go to the library to get a book - which I found out they DON'T have (boogers), but after just making one stop to the store for a bag of much needed pull-ups { another story for another time}they decided that this public place would be great to use LOUD outside voices, scatter when I call them and pretend to have a hearing problem when I call their name.... oh yes.. and we can't foget the part where I said, " Let's go to another line- this is taking too long" and my spunky -oh-so-opinionated son says- in his loudest voice, " forget waiting, let's just steal it!" I seriously think I left a pile of poo on the floor when he said that... We of course stepped out of the long line where I had to explain to him a few life lessons. WTF did he GET that??!

As for the rest of the errands I had to do - which included going to the state office to drop off papers in a crowded room that smelled like play-doh as my toddler was yelling at me to play with my -now dead- phone, a 5 yr whining cuz I won't let him play, and my pre-teen daughter who decides she was going to go on a scavenger hunt thru my once organized diaper bag and then fully decides to PUBLICLY talk back to me when I ask her stop. Not just once talking back, but won't STOP talking... are you serious??!!!! WHO ARE THESE KIDS?! All I could muster when we got in the car was " wait till your dad gets home".. As I sat there in the sun for just a brief moment to get away from that frazzled hair, twitching eye, foaming mouth mommy moment - all I wanted at that moment was a freaking ice cream!! Not that I just wanted it.. I NEEDED it.. I CRAVED it. I told my hubby that was my smoke break. He gave me a smart ass remark which I could not find ANY humor in at that moment.

So I drove us all home... still twitching here and there.... booted them out of the car and sat my butt on the computer to vent :) Because I know you understand .... and can relate. If you can't relate to this....

please don't respond... as I dont like you (just kidding.. but seriously don't respond if you are one of those lucky moms!)

 the one that makes my heart melt

and me... well... trying to survive LOL....

I love them all- i do.. I just want simple things.. like peeing without company or questions, obedient children in public and a hot meal

Black Hole Of My Life

I have been pretty open- kind of- with my life- especially as a mom. During my pregnancy with Jack I was really concerned about slipping back into PPD (post postpartum depression) and thankfully my doc was really open to talking to me about it and the chances that due to my past, I had a higher risk of doing so. We took preventive measures and talked A LOT about our plan and what to expect. All I knew was that I did not want to get in the position I did with my previous pregnancy. PPD is a life sucker, but I was so thankful that I had a husband that I could talk to and share all my feelings, emtions and scary thoughts.
Between my hubby, the doc and I, we had made the decision to start my meds just before I left the hospital after the birth of little Jack. If you are not familiar with PPD, it is not anything along the lines that you are sad you are in the position of having another kid.... you are VERY happy to have a new blessing. I was over the moon and SO happy with my new little man. I love that little handsome guy so much- seriously. For me PPD made me have EXTREME anxiety, fears, EXTREME saddness and anger. I had terrible thoughts of something happening to the baby. I was so scared to fall back into that hole again.  For some PPD can make them feel suicidal or even worse. The worse thought I couldn't shake with my previous birth was the feeling of wanting to run myself into a passing semi truck- just me. I thought the world would be better place without saddness around everyone. THANK God, my husband was so supporting and willing to just hold me when I just needed to cry or vent.

So... just before I was discharged from the hospital with Jack, I started my dose of meds- things were great. I felt great, I was so happy and so in love. Life was full of wonderful colors. Fast forward to 4 months (now) I find myself struggling to want to keep taking them. There have been a few times where I have accidentally forgotten to take them and by 2 days of not taking them I am so unbelievably sad and angry I am not sure what to make of it. I am always amazed though after those days of accidentally skipping and when I do finally take my little blue magic pill, how much better and happier I feel. Now this week, I do have to admit I have forgotten and then got stubborn- thinking I could handle life and myself without my little blue helper. Last night it all seemed to hit me - all that sadness, depression and anger. I was so mad- so sad- at NOTHING. I couldn't even think of something to be mad or sad about. The best thing I could do was just cry myself to sleep. The only thing that felt remotely good, was snuggling with my little Jack.

This morning I woke in hopes that I would have a fresh start and could control all my emotions and hormones. Failed. Once again. Why can I NOT control myself. I think to myself that it should be so easy to not have ugly thoughts and just be happy. I mean I have everything here in front of me to make me happy. A great family- healthy kids, a great friend, my husband and this beautiful baby. Why then do all I want to do is punch the wall and take a knife to my face??? Why can I do nothing but sit in the shower and just try to close the world off? Why can I not let myself just snuggle in my hubbys arms and feel comfort? I try to get dressed in something other than sweats and I try to make myself look pretty. But just looking at myself makes me angry. Looking at my hubby makes me cry... and I know that if I just take that now stupid pill, things are just easier.

Of course after sharing and trying to explain my head to hubby, he MAKES me take my pill. I had just really hoped that I can do ME without it. I really can't wait for the day where I am healthy again mentally/ emotionally. Will that day ever come??

So, yes, this morning I took my pill *sigh* and things are feeling like they are calming down... but still so frustrating that I feel so emotionally jacked up that I have to rely on this medication to make me feel like me.

But on the bright side, I do have a goal that by this summer I will be physically healthy again by working out and eating good and then weaning myself off those pills :) After all... I do have a great supportive hubby- and that means more than anything to me!!

My Little Jack | My big scare

Monday night was probably one of my most scariest nights. Lil Jack went to bed great and actually slept for a long time. When I finally went to sleep, I was sleeping good. Around 4 a.m. I suddenly woke up and had this feeling to check on Jack. I walked over to his bassinet and noticed he wasn't breathing. I picked up his arm to touch it with the hopes that it would startled him to wake up. When that didn't work, I picked up his arm and let it drop- hoping the same thing. When I got no response, I rubbed his chest thinking for SURE that would work... nothing.... At this moment I was freaked out- you could see the windows rattle from my heart beating so hard. I finally had to PICK him up and bounce him to get him to wake up and breath. Thankfully he let in a huge grasp of air. At that moment I was in tears and thanking God with all mu might that He woke me up- and that he didn't take my little Jack. I greatly believe that God himself woke my butt up to check on him. I have no idea how long he wasn't breathing or even how long it took to get me to wake him up, but in mothers time- it took forever! The rest of the night I googled SIDS and slept with one eye open as I snuggled with him.

The next day the poor little guy threw up all day- but seemed fine. Of course my head goes to the worse. By the end of the day I was totally consumed with the fear of going to bed. What happens if I cant keep myself awake enough to make sure he was ok... how would I ever get over the fact that if I missed something and it was his time- how would I move on?? Is God going to take him from me already.... It was really too soon for me- I love this little guy so much.

Then of course I sucked myself lower into the dark abyss by regretting the fact that I got my tubes tied and wouldn't be able to have more babies. Not that Jack is replaceable, but honestly I didn't want anything to happen to him.

As bed time snuck closer I had to do the only thing I could... TRUST. Trust the fact the God was and is protecting this little baby. Trust that things happen in His way- whether I understand it or not. TRUST. Such a simple word but SO hard to do. I prayed and let go. I kissed my little man on the forehead and layed him in his bed. Said a prayer and tried to let myself sleep. I did the best I could... I ended up moving his bed right next to my pillow and sleeping very lightly. God woke me up once, I am sure He could do it again.

Night seemed to last forever but yet morning seemed to come too soon. Right now I basically feel like a zombie- but after a healthy doc appt, I am a happy momma.

The doc did decide to put him on an apnea machine- to see if there is something going to that we need to look at, or if this was just a fluke or even if he was just sick and had some spit up/ vomit that closed his air pipe- either way- we are checking it out.

So far wed have ALL heard the lovely LOUD obnoxious sound but yet I still am grateful for it lol. It is very annoying too to have your child all hooked up to wires which are connected to a bag which you have to tote around. And if you know me... I HATE wires- with a passion. It makes me start twitching!

Tonight I am hoping for a peaceful and {please} restful night!!

In the meantime- I'll be that paranoid momma bear :)

Day 1

Well... today hubby left for North Dakota and it has been an emotional, stressful and exhausting day! Within the hour he left my son (the tazmania devil) managed to completely LODGE a squishy plastic ball in the toilet. I couldnt see it and this girl right here was not about to stick my hand down in there to see if i could feel it. What made that stressful was the fact that he thought it was funny. Like no joke he thought it was hilarious. WTH??!! All I could think of to do as the water started pouring out of the toilet was to turn off water and take a nap.

Thankfully a family friend was able to come fix it, but first he had to drain the toilet, try to snake it, take the toilet apart and out, plunge it, yell at it, drown it and then FINALLY he was able to get the ball out. Please Lord, don't let that happen again.

Sop here it is, 5pm, and I am so drained myself that I really just want to hit pause and sleep. I wanna wake up to not feel this hole in me. I am hoping that I can keep myself busy this month so the pain of missing hubby isn't too hard :(

now... what the heck am I going to do for dinner???

Trick Or Treat

Well this year was a little different. We normally don't celebrate halloween but I felt the need to do a wee bit. There was no pumpkins, no parties, no gory costumes... in fact I was just supportive of my kids dressing up for school :)

Matty was invited to a friends house for a party- which he had a great time and he dressed as..... Harry Potter (surprised?)

Lilly was able to dress up for school as well and we made her into a 1950's housewife.. she looked SO cute!!! I even let her wear my heels to school. She kept saying "thank you mom- thank you".

And my lil Christopher was a nerd LOL.. We just taped boxes of nerds to his clothes. He was a big hit at school of course!

There was no special amazing treats tonight.. well actually, my kids had stressed me out as dinner time was nearing so I ordered some pizza and plopped myself in front of the tv to watch past episodes of Pan Am. It was so so yummy yummy good!

As far as my "trick" ugh- it was no laughing matter.

I was walking past the boys room and noticed my 2 year old NAKED and PEEING into an empty apple juice container.. I quickly just walked away praying that he would put the cap back on the bottle. I honestly dont think what goes through a boys head when it comes to peeing inside things?!!!
But my prayers were not answered... I heard the bottle slide and tumble on the ground... I knew I had better go in there and check out the damage... ugh Pee ALL OVER THE FLOOR.

Not my idea of a great trick or treat day.