Black Hole Of My Life

I have been pretty open- kind of- with my life- especially as a mom. During my pregnancy with Jack I was really concerned about slipping back into PPD (post postpartum depression) and thankfully my doc was really open to talking to me about it and the chances that due to my past, I had a higher risk of doing so. We took preventive measures and talked A LOT about our plan and what to expect. All I knew was that I did not want to get in the position I did with my previous pregnancy. PPD is a life sucker, but I was so thankful that I had a husband that I could talk to and share all my feelings, emtions and scary thoughts.
Between my hubby, the doc and I, we had made the decision to start my meds just before I left the hospital after the birth of little Jack. If you are not familiar with PPD, it is not anything along the lines that you are sad you are in the position of having another kid.... you are VERY happy to have a new blessing. I was over the moon and SO happy with my new little man. I love that little handsome guy so much- seriously. For me PPD made me have EXTREME anxiety, fears, EXTREME saddness and anger. I had terrible thoughts of something happening to the baby. I was so scared to fall back into that hole again.  For some PPD can make them feel suicidal or even worse. The worse thought I couldn't shake with my previous birth was the feeling of wanting to run myself into a passing semi truck- just me. I thought the world would be better place without saddness around everyone. THANK God, my husband was so supporting and willing to just hold me when I just needed to cry or vent.

So... just before I was discharged from the hospital with Jack, I started my dose of meds- things were great. I felt great, I was so happy and so in love. Life was full of wonderful colors. Fast forward to 4 months (now) I find myself struggling to want to keep taking them. There have been a few times where I have accidentally forgotten to take them and by 2 days of not taking them I am so unbelievably sad and angry I am not sure what to make of it. I am always amazed though after those days of accidentally skipping and when I do finally take my little blue magic pill, how much better and happier I feel. Now this week, I do have to admit I have forgotten and then got stubborn- thinking I could handle life and myself without my little blue helper. Last night it all seemed to hit me - all that sadness, depression and anger. I was so mad- so sad- at NOTHING. I couldn't even think of something to be mad or sad about. The best thing I could do was just cry myself to sleep. The only thing that felt remotely good, was snuggling with my little Jack.

This morning I woke in hopes that I would have a fresh start and could control all my emotions and hormones. Failed. Once again. Why can I NOT control myself. I think to myself that it should be so easy to not have ugly thoughts and just be happy. I mean I have everything here in front of me to make me happy. A great family- healthy kids, a great friend, my husband and this beautiful baby. Why then do all I want to do is punch the wall and take a knife to my face??? Why can I do nothing but sit in the shower and just try to close the world off? Why can I not let myself just snuggle in my hubbys arms and feel comfort? I try to get dressed in something other than sweats and I try to make myself look pretty. But just looking at myself makes me angry. Looking at my hubby makes me cry... and I know that if I just take that now stupid pill, things are just easier.

Of course after sharing and trying to explain my head to hubby, he MAKES me take my pill. I had just really hoped that I can do ME without it. I really can't wait for the day where I am healthy again mentally/ emotionally. Will that day ever come??

So, yes, this morning I took my pill *sigh* and things are feeling like they are calming down... but still so frustrating that I feel so emotionally jacked up that I have to rely on this medication to make me feel like me.

But on the bright side, I do have a goal that by this summer I will be physically healthy again by working out and eating good and then weaning myself off those pills :) After all... I do have a great supportive hubby- and that means more than anything to me!!

My Little Jack | My big scare

Monday night was probably one of my most scariest nights. Lil Jack went to bed great and actually slept for a long time. When I finally went to sleep, I was sleeping good. Around 4 a.m. I suddenly woke up and had this feeling to check on Jack. I walked over to his bassinet and noticed he wasn't breathing. I picked up his arm to touch it with the hopes that it would startled him to wake up. When that didn't work, I picked up his arm and let it drop- hoping the same thing. When I got no response, I rubbed his chest thinking for SURE that would work... nothing.... At this moment I was freaked out- you could see the windows rattle from my heart beating so hard. I finally had to PICK him up and bounce him to get him to wake up and breath. Thankfully he let in a huge grasp of air. At that moment I was in tears and thanking God with all mu might that He woke me up- and that he didn't take my little Jack. I greatly believe that God himself woke my butt up to check on him. I have no idea how long he wasn't breathing or even how long it took to get me to wake him up, but in mothers time- it took forever! The rest of the night I googled SIDS and slept with one eye open as I snuggled with him.

The next day the poor little guy threw up all day- but seemed fine. Of course my head goes to the worse. By the end of the day I was totally consumed with the fear of going to bed. What happens if I cant keep myself awake enough to make sure he was ok... how would I ever get over the fact that if I missed something and it was his time- how would I move on?? Is God going to take him from me already.... It was really too soon for me- I love this little guy so much.

Then of course I sucked myself lower into the dark abyss by regretting the fact that I got my tubes tied and wouldn't be able to have more babies. Not that Jack is replaceable, but honestly I didn't want anything to happen to him.

As bed time snuck closer I had to do the only thing I could... TRUST. Trust the fact the God was and is protecting this little baby. Trust that things happen in His way- whether I understand it or not. TRUST. Such a simple word but SO hard to do. I prayed and let go. I kissed my little man on the forehead and layed him in his bed. Said a prayer and tried to let myself sleep. I did the best I could... I ended up moving his bed right next to my pillow and sleeping very lightly. God woke me up once, I am sure He could do it again.

Night seemed to last forever but yet morning seemed to come too soon. Right now I basically feel like a zombie- but after a healthy doc appt, I am a happy momma.

The doc did decide to put him on an apnea machine- to see if there is something going to that we need to look at, or if this was just a fluke or even if he was just sick and had some spit up/ vomit that closed his air pipe- either way- we are checking it out.

So far wed have ALL heard the lovely LOUD obnoxious sound but yet I still am grateful for it lol. It is very annoying too to have your child all hooked up to wires which are connected to a bag which you have to tote around. And if you know me... I HATE wires- with a passion. It makes me start twitching!

Tonight I am hoping for a peaceful and {please} restful night!!

In the meantime- I'll be that paranoid momma bear :)

Day 1

Well... today hubby left for North Dakota and it has been an emotional, stressful and exhausting day! Within the hour he left my son (the tazmania devil) managed to completely LODGE a squishy plastic ball in the toilet. I couldnt see it and this girl right here was not about to stick my hand down in there to see if i could feel it. What made that stressful was the fact that he thought it was funny. Like no joke he thought it was hilarious. WTH??!! All I could think of to do as the water started pouring out of the toilet was to turn off water and take a nap.

Thankfully a family friend was able to come fix it, but first he had to drain the toilet, try to snake it, take the toilet apart and out, plunge it, yell at it, drown it and then FINALLY he was able to get the ball out. Please Lord, don't let that happen again.

Sop here it is, 5pm, and I am so drained myself that I really just want to hit pause and sleep. I wanna wake up to not feel this hole in me. I am hoping that I can keep myself busy this month so the pain of missing hubby isn't too hard :(

now... what the heck am I going to do for dinner???

Trick Or Treat

Well this year was a little different. We normally don't celebrate halloween but I felt the need to do a wee bit. There was no pumpkins, no parties, no gory costumes... in fact I was just supportive of my kids dressing up for school :)

Matty was invited to a friends house for a party- which he had a great time and he dressed as..... Harry Potter (surprised?)

Lilly was able to dress up for school as well and we made her into a 1950's housewife.. she looked SO cute!!! I even let her wear my heels to school. She kept saying "thank you mom- thank you".

And my lil Christopher was a nerd LOL.. We just taped boxes of nerds to his clothes. He was a big hit at school of course!

There was no special amazing treats tonight.. well actually, my kids had stressed me out as dinner time was nearing so I ordered some pizza and plopped myself in front of the tv to watch past episodes of Pan Am. It was so so yummy yummy good!

As far as my "trick" ugh- it was no laughing matter.

I was walking past the boys room and noticed my 2 year old NAKED and PEEING into an empty apple juice container.. I quickly just walked away praying that he would put the cap back on the bottle. I honestly dont think what goes through a boys head when it comes to peeing inside things?!!!
But my prayers were not answered... I heard the bottle slide and tumble on the ground... I knew I had better go in there and check out the damage... ugh Pee ALL OVER THE FLOOR.

Not my idea of a great trick or treat day.

Another Day Older

Today marks one month old for our lil Jack. I really can not believe he is a month old already. This morning as I was holding him and snuggling... he actually felt bigger in my arms. It made me cry. Time goes so fast with sweet lil babies. It's just not fair. This morning I felt like I spent the whole time just being weepy.

With this last pregnancy, I made the decision to get my tubes tied. As much as I love kids, my body felt like I just couldn't do it anymore. I knew this was a right choice for my family. But I have to be honest, the thought makes me sad that I will no longer to EVER have any more babies. I know in a few months I am going to be a lot more happier about this decision- because after all - they DO turn into those terrible tazmania twos!

I am so in love with my lil baby that it just breaks my heart to see him grow. I just wish he could be that sweet small 2 week old for just a little longer.

As this day moved on, my water works stopped and we headed out to the store to get my missing groceries from the other day. I am in the mood to be creative and bake. I found a cute recipe for some mini caramel apples so I made a few up to see if I could do them. And it was a (messy) success :) Even my lil food critic loved them! Although I am no master ate using my little melon ball scooper. Some of the "apples" looked a little.... well... sad. I LOVE baking things but I never eat them- ok well except PW pumpkin cake- Oh MY Lordy- that is just so yummy! As cute as these lil mini caramel apples are- I just won't eat them. I need to find a victim to feed them too- I know I don't want my kiddos to eat them all up- I do like to sleep!

Here is the link where I got the recipe... try them for yourself!!

Don't let these cute adorable faves fool you.... :)

Clean Up On Isle 4....

The other day, we as a family headed out to do some last minute grocery shopping for hubby's trip. Of course as soon as we walk in the doors, all 3 boys cried "potty".. So there I sat waiting for for them all to come out of the bathroom... and it suddenly hit me that I have FOUR boys. Holy penises!!! I mean, boys are super lovable (except my 2 yr old at the moment... he is still the little Tasmania devil), full of adventure and always look out and care about my feelings.... again - all except my little 2 yr old.

...ok so there we were- all 7 of us looking our walmart best. We get about half way down shopping, I am now holding a fussy baby and all of a sudden I hear from behind me, "Daddy, POOP". I turn around and there standing all by himself in the middle of the isle is my little 2 yr old son with a blank stare on his face. He once again screamed "POOP"... and there on the floor by his feet..... a pile of poo! For a long moment, we ALL stood there in pure shock- not moving- not talking... Are we seriously seeing what it is lying on the floor??!!! Charley and I look at each other like deer in headlights. The kids were speechless- waiting for us to respond in SOME way. Since my hands were full of holding my cute little man, Charley was the only one that could carry him and clean him up. After realizing what just happened, Charley and just looked at each other and started laughing.. I mean what else can you do when you notice that your toddler just pooped in the middle of Walmart?!
Lilly was nominated to grab a wipe and pick up the pile and throw it away (YUCK) and Charley scooped up his lil mini me super man style and I shuffled quickly to the diaper isle to get (another) bag of pull ups. All I kept thinking was.... holy crap (no pun intended) I am so glad I was not the one having to clean up whatever mess was left IN his pants. As the boys scurried off to the bathroom, you could hear lil Charlie Joe yelling, " Daddy. Poop. Butt!"

When they came back from the bathroom, he explained to me that the little stinker didn't have underwear on- hence the ease of stuff ...ahem... falling. After this experience I have decided I am not going to push the potty training anymore.. He was dong great but has fallen back to not trying anymore.

That night I was so thankful for the late night shopping and the fact that the store was not busy AND super thankful that no one else was in the same isle when we were there. What a shitty night ;)

Well... like a lot of other husbands, mine left on Thursday for ND to do some work. I hate the fact that he needs to go but I appreciate the fact that he is doing what he needs to do for our family. It is just really lonely around here with out him. He is the one that can pick me up from my blue moods and give me those hugs when I need them the most.
I love all my kiddos more than anything but being needed 24-7 and feeling like the life is getting sucked out of me all day long, its going to be a long hard week without him. I know there are a lot of other moms/ wives out there that can handle it so much better than me.. and I admire them. I have been trying to keep myself busy but it ends up causing problems with my incision. And being out of pain meds and not having an extra hand just to sit in a bath or take a little nap, is so much harder than I imagined. But I find comfort in little bits of the day that God is by my side and will not give me more than I can handle.. but I think there is a part of me that wants to handle MORE than what I can. It would be awesome if I could have the old house all cleaned and finished moved down here before he gets home, but in reality that is so NOT going to happen. I have scrubbed and cleaned the new house, did laundry, dishes, made snacks, dinners and dusted... I even thought about hanging photos but once I look at it I fall back into the no motivation mode. At this moment, I just want to sleep and wake up with my hubby by my side.

For all those other moms and wives that are dealing with the same situation... I pray that all the guys can come home soon!