Angles We Hear On High

A while ago I shared my journey of darkness and how my son helped me back to the light. I will be forever grateful that he is the one that keeps pushing me out of my comfort zone- as he seems to notice when I need it the most.

A few days ago I shared a story of a man I saw in Wal-mart and I called him an angel. I believe in angels and believe they come in all different ways and I truly believe that he was one on this day. I was doing my shopping- not in the greatest of moods- after all, I was shopping with a three year old at Wal-Mart- yuck! It was a crowded day- the day before Thanksgiving and there weren't too many people in the aisles with smiles, but this guy, this angel... he was there for many. He had stopped me for a moment- made some small talk about how busy it was and shared a big smile at both Jack and I- and of course we greeted him back with a warm smile. The rest of the shopping seemed to have gone a little smoother. I noticed him a few more times pausing and chatting with people- again flashing a smile and walking away as the other party also smiled. As we stood in line to check out, I looked over and there he was again. This time he turned around to this old lady behind him. She had only a few groceries and no smile on her face- as you could see the annoyance in her face from the crowds of people. He started with small talk, giving her compliments, asking if she needed help. She suddenly volunteered that today was her birthday. He smiled and said "Happy Birthday" with such joy in his voice. He then bought her chocolate, handed it over to her and said "same time and place next year!" I saw her face just light up with a beautiful smile... and just like that he was gone.

It amazes me how things and people show up in our lives just when we need it. No matter if it is meeting a new friend during a MOPS meeting, having a stranger smile at you at a store or having friends and strangers pray with you when you need it most.

My son has seemed to be struggling lately with just being "blah"- nothing seems to make him happy unless you talk about Spider man with him. He just doesn't seem.... well .. happy. I feel like all his light is gone. Last week at church service I seeked out someone in the children's ministry to see if there was a group I could introduce him to. They invited us to attend Saturday church. So- it was in the calendar and I was going to make it happen.

Today I woke up not feeling 100% and just feeling that darkness creep up on me. I had to do a session this afternoon so I decided that I would work, feed the kids and go to church- after all it was for the kids. Honestly I could not wait to get there. There was so much bickering and whining that all I wanted to do is take them to class and have an hour to myself! What I found instead.... was ever changing.

I love worship time - gives me a moment to believe that I can carry a tune and for some reason at this church I am not afraid to belt it out. To those that sit in front of me, I apologize for my out of tune lyrics! I danced, I sung and I shouted it out tonight and WOW  it felt great. I praised God for all that He is and all that He has made of me.

For a year now, things have been financially difficult and I get stressed so easy when it comes to that subject. I hurt because I see my hubby working so hard and I feel helpless that I can't do more. I hate the burden of money. I hate feeling helpless. I hate watching my husband have a dream and trying so hard to make it happen. Being a cheerleader for him just does not seem like enough. I want to do more. I trust in God but I know that I still hanging on to that wheel.
At each service those who need prayers are welcomed to lift a hand and prayers will be given. Of course I hesitated because my need just didn't seem as important as others that might need an extra prayer. But I lifted it up, swallowed my pride and emotionally feel to my knees. I opened my heart and was honest. A woman appeared at my side, Angela. She asked my name and prayer request.

"Jackie. My prayer request is financial" that is a very hard thing to share. Why do we have so much shame in sharing that? She smiled and began to pray.
I wish I could remember what she said word for word because at that moment I felt such weight lifted off my shoulders- and the tears just began to fall. She helped me find my way again- to the one that means all. He has a plan for me. For my family. He knows what we need and she re-opened my heart to trust and believe again. As she said "amen" I was so grateful that I was there in that moment. My life needed it more than I realized. The night was perfect!

But then it got better.

As prayer was ending, another woman, who smelt like a field of lavender, came and knelt by my side. She came to pray with me.. for me. We hugged each other and once again, tears just fell. MY God- how amazing are you to bring this woman to my side- someone that does not know me and pray for me. FOR ME! Jesus was there- right next to us and His love showered over both her and I.

My heart couldn't possibly love more than that moment.

Then something amazing happened.

The first lady that prayed with me, Angela, came back to me with the most generous gift and blessing that she will never know how much it really means. Words of "thanks" and a tear-filled hug can not possibly  explain that gratitude. I sat in my seat for half the service just crying- tears of joy, happiness and love. The rest of the service I sat there just speechless. I battled with the thought that I could not possible accept such a gracious gift. I wondered all night how I could possibly thank this family. Nothing seems big enough. Tonight all I can do it sit here and stare at her generous gift and just be touched.

Lord, THANK YOU! Thank you for placing these amazing people in my path and in my life and Lord I pray that you show me what I can do!
To these beautiful women that I met today- THANK YOU. I know that really does not explain my heart as my words just can not explain how GRATEFUL I am for you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you!

I Believe In Miracles

I have totally slacked on my personal blog but knowing so is a good excuse for me to take one of these snowy days coming up and concentrate on it. But today I wanted to get personal again- and share my heart on something.

MIRACLES

To be honest, I find that my faith comes in different strengths on days. Some days it feels so strong and other days... well... I am just grateful that no matter where I am on my path, God's arms are always there for me.

For a few years, hubby and I have talked seriously about getting a tubal reversal. From the moment I was unmedicated from my last c-section, I KNEW it was a bad idea. I have very difficult pregnancies and I was in tears with my last little feeling that he was for sure my last. But one look at his little face.... I know I needed more. Yes, I know I am crazy. And yes, I am thankful for all that I do have. I have been blessed with 5 beautiful and amazing kids. Even on my bad crazy mom days... I love them to pieces and I want more chaos. I feel guilty every day that I agreed to do something so permanent. There are times where I spend my days in private in tears because my heart hurts so much. My family feels complete but yet, not. I do not know how to move on from it.

The cost of a reversal - for us - is more than we ever had or will have in our account. The option of a high priced credit card is not an option either. I am not asking for donations or even pity.... and please do not think that I have no heart care for the families that do everything and anything they can for IV treatments.. I know how much families go through for the small chance of their miracle. But for this moment, I want to be selfish and focus on my heart.

We have looked into programs on donations- where you share as a pool and familes on the waiting list are funded the cost of a reversal. But I have such a huge fear- that also leaves me in tears and sucks me into my black hole.

My youngest is 3- full of energy and pretty much doesn't need that mothering that I have grown so accustom to.. the diapers, the breast feeding and the cuddles. I am lucky now to get a hug longer than 3 seconds out of my kids. My hubby has been great on giving me attention but no matter how much I try to make him curl up, he just doesn't fit just under my chin and on my chest like a little wee one. I am so fearful of asking my hubby to give everything possible- taking away from our family needs to pay for a procedure that is a huge "maybe". I know there are success stories- I have read and heard many, but the fear of failure is so thick in me.

For over a month I have been deeply praying for a miracle for God to please give us a miracle and open and repair the only fallopien tube that is "workable". There are moments where I know it is possible- for anything to happen. I have heard and read stories from the bible of amazing things that have happened. And even in modern times I have read stories of truly unthinkable miracles. But does God have a plan for me?? Does he feel my heart and hear my cries... It is wrong to want this... so many of us need miracles- in health, in emotions... in life.

I want a MIRACLE.

I want to see on that stupid stick and see those pink lines show up. I want to  have that nervous giggle as I show hubby. I want those sick days where I feel like I am going to die... I want that feeling of  feeling this miracle child fluttering around... I want to lay in bed with hubby and put the remote on my belly and we laugh as we watch this child in my womb kick it off... I want the doctor appointments... the expectation of D day... I want the surprise of birthing a baby and finding out what have- a boy or a girl??? Lord, I want your miracle... Please heal this body. Give me the miracle Lord of having another child! In your name... Amen!

Survival

So life hasn't been exactly exciting. I mean it is winter which means I am even more locked up in my house. But the view from my window is great :)

The past few days have been.. heartbreaking. Not in an "ohmygawsh- did something happen?" kind of way. My little is not wearing diapers anymore. yes, exciting that I no longer have to smell poopy diapers or wonder where that smell is coming from or even have to worry about the cost of buying more diapers, but he is my baby- my last little one and as exciting as it is to graduate from diapers, I find myself really sad. Sad because he is no longer a "baby"- which he has proved a long time ago. This little guy still climbs up on my lap and curls up and even snuggles up to my neck or chest just to smell me. Yes, it usually ends quickly with him licking my face and laughing hysterically, but for a moment it was baby heaven. Now, I am chasing this wild child all over the house, giggling as his chunky little legs and bubbly butt runs as fast as he cans!
















Last night  was one of those crazy days. The night before it was even more CrAzY and I didn't think I would survive the next day, but they all surprised me and were great little minions. I had prepared them that morning that I had a client coming over to do photos so I needed the house to be cleaned and they were to play downstairs while I worked. I was thrilled when 3 of the 5 were such great helpers and it was really nice to get a deep clean in on the house. Things were going great! Then my clients showed up. The kids went downstairs and from that moment on they decided to be the loudest they have been all week. Awesome. So now, this sweet couple that is expecting their first baby is probably thinking the whole time that they will never have more than one child lol. My house was like instant birth control. One moment I get a dramatic teen  coming upstairs freaking out that lil J has hurt his arm. After investigating the situation downstairs and didn't hear any crying, bleeding, cuts, etc, I went back up to finish session.
They (the clients) were very sweet and thought most of it was funny. I was so glad they understood kids and was not bothered by it. So after surviving the battle of the siblings during the session, I made dinner, everyone actually sat together nicely at the table and actually finished their plate. Big deal when they all eat! I was noticing that little J wasn't moving his arm and he would cry here and there. My first thought was oh great- his elbow must be dislocated AGAIN but then I noticed it was his other arm. SERIOUSLY- this can not be happening. I drilled all the kids and of course I got "I didn't touch him", " I have no idea what happened" and I also got "he hit his shoulder on the counter". Hmm.

I kind of left him alone for about an hour- letting him sit and watch him like a hungry hawk. By the time I came back from going to the bathroom, he was up jumping around again and punching his brothers- Everything was fine. Thank goodness! I prepared my kids that everyone was going to go to bed at the noral bedtime and of course bedtime was dragged out for every excuse possible. As 11pm came inching by I was begging for a netflix movie to put little J asleep. I do not know how this id has so much energy this late at night. He does this crazy funny thing where he will crawl around on my bed- as fast as he can in circles. He looks like a dog trying to catch his tail. Oh man- it is great entertainment until he wants to do a flip at the end and kick you in the face. Funny moment O V E R.

At 4 am I was awaken by my little snuggle bug with that clicking- tounge smacking sound only children make before they throw up all over you. I bolted out of bed, praying my face was not the target. After a few hours of being on puke patrol, we finally got some rest- only to learn that we all over slept and everyone missed the bus.

Today, due to the lack of sleep, left me with a terrible headache and the silent begging of nap time and pure laziness to do nothing today. Ok, well, I did feed the littles but that was about it. But today gave me  little blessings throughout the day which I am so blessed for. A client order came in and I got to peek at her beautiful album she ordered, Jack has been going potty ALL day- with no accidents, I got lots of snuggles from my littles, I had a soda, I enjoyed the frost on the trees, received some wonderful emails, talked to hubby, culled some other images, booked a newborn session in ID.

To celebrate a very lazy but blessful day, I announced to the kiddos that for dinner we are having cereal and ice cream. I am the coolest mom ever- at least for dinner time.

Hey - don't judge! It's called survival!

Mini Cheese Cakes

Things have been pretty quiet lately... which I have been trying to welcome it with open arms.  Today I was full of morning energy so after I baked some almond poppyseed muffins, I searched for a cheese cake recipe.

I am notorious for wanting to bake something and always missing ONE ingredient. Boogers! I needed heavy whipping cream. Had none. So I looked up how to MAKE heavy whipping cream. And well.. unless you lived on a farm with cows- you can't make home made heavy whipping cream. Ok so I inventoried again on what I had. I had ready to bake dough, sour cream, cream cheese, eggs and sugar. There HAD to be a recipe with this stuff to make a cheese cake.. Grrrr. I came up empty handed. Then I found one that used chocolate chip cookie dough... and the aerosol whipped cream. HARK! Yes.. I have that! Ok well.. I had sugar cookie dough.

I wanted something bigger than muffins/ cupcakes so I used my mini pie tin. I scooped an ice cream scooper size of cookie dough into each "cup". I rolled it in my hands and flattened. I can not confirm nor deny if I actually licked my hands after that.

Then I took my softened cream cheese and some sugar (that is what that white canister is), put on my whipped attachment and watched it turn into creamy goodness

wheeeeeeeee.. It is so much fun watching this!

Then you open up the Reddi Whip... squirt it in your mouth and squish your face... because its fun... Then squirt in kids mouth.. because that is even funnier.

After your cookies cool - for about 15 minutes and then spoon on the cream cheese mixture.

Then you can go through your pantry to see if you have any decorative SOMETHING... and then find nothing so decide to go ahead and chill it for a few hours and PRAY hubby likes it :)

Mouse Trap and Petri Dish

I have neglected my blogging which is a shame because my head is filled with lots of things to write and share about.

But just for shits and giggles- lets just jump ahead to the issue at hand. I'll give you 2 chances to guess what it is about......

If you guessed MICE... you were correct.

So we moved into a beautiful home (another post for another day) and things have been going great. No big issues.. ok well... Colorado has some big nasty looking spiders that like to show up when you least expect it but other than that- I feel like I am constantly at Disney.

Aww shit- I just realized that funny little pun... Disney... Mouse... UGH.

Hubby and I were down in the office working when our daughter comes rushing through the door- all out of breath- saying something along the lines of " kitchen... mouse... ack.. ewww.. " Ok well since its past bedtime we agreed we would check it out in the morning.

Morning comes to wake me up early with the older kids. Like 5-6am early. Something about that doesn't seem right. So my older son went to open the bottom drawer in the cabinet when I heard him yell. But instead of rushing to his side, I jumped to the other side of the kitchen, laughing with a little bit a fear and asked what happened. When he exclaimed that a mouse jumped up and ran to the back of the drawer.. again I couldn't stop laughing. Oh dear- the look on his face.. priceless!

So hubby played hero and boot-scooted his way to the store to get some traps. Of course before setting them, we played with them to see how sensitive they were. Let's just say, if I was a mouse- I would be dead. So, hubby scoops a little bit of peanut butter and places it on the target thingy on the trap. He places it in a few places under cabinets. Within a few hours we heard a loud pop. Ohhh one little sucker down. Ohhh maybe that was all there was.. maybe our days are saved!!!

The next morning, hubby goes to investigate his good doings. There he found a trap that had TWO little (kind of cute) mice trapped. EWWW. ok. pretty darn talented that he caught 2 in 1 trap. So we cleaned the crap out of our cabinets for second time- thinking for sure our problems were solved.

Then next morning...

Anywho.. laa-da-da... I opened up our silverware drawer where I see a few black spots. Yes mouse droppings. EWWWWW.. WTF?!! you have got to be kidding me. How many more of these creatures are there?? And then mind mind went straight to the movie Ratatouille. Colony they mentioned... Where there was one- there was a colony. Holy freaking GET ME OUT OF here!!! We set more traps with more peanut butter and we quickly learned that the little - once adorable- mice have become smarter than we are and fully ate all the peanut butter from the trap.  Ok sweet hubby- this is not going to work- it's time to get evil.

Once again all the utensils go into a sink full of bleach water and cabinets cleaned... again. This time I packed up all our stuff until I know for sure we are mouse free.

Hubby becomes the hero again and gets some decon. Please Lord, lets this work. I am creeped out and tip toe around the kitchen afraid to touch anything. So now I am trying to calculate how long it will take for the "problem" to go away.

But while I am waiting on that to go away- I get to play nurse maid at home. Too many kids sick.. not enough mommy. 

But thankfully I have not gotten sick- just those annoying headaches that seem to never want to go away. I have wiped so much snot in the last few weeks, I could make a slip and slide out of it. I have been a oil Nazi though and I will continue to do so save any other survivors. Hubby thinks I am a little nuts for using them, but call me crazy- I believe they work.. and if they keep antibiotics away for me- I am ALL for it!

For another does of shits and giggles.. here is one of my fave videos

Bloddy Hell

A few long weeks ago, hubby shared a photo on my fb page on these fun looking- creepy looking- cupcakes. I KNEW I had to try them. I love love love to bake stuff but it always seems to go to waste here at the house. I am the snack natzi so my kids are not really allowed to just eat and eat baked yummies all day- because trust me- they totally would. In fact... my last baked yummy was zucchini bread and I believe I was the only one that ate that whole damn pan. I had a package of those break and bake cookies... found the WRAPPERS under my boys bed- without the cookies even been cooked!

But tonight we started the prep and made step 1 in our bloody hell cupcakes :) I cant wait to document our baking adventure tomorrow and share it with you. I am sure too if you were to hurry down, we would give you one!

But our plan as of right now (before tasting them) is to take them to the Johnstown firehouse. Today they put on a community event for us which was wonderful and such a great learning experience.

So... dust off your aprons and get your dancing shoes on because tomorrow we BAKE!

Pot Head

It's not what you think exactly but considering it's not even 10am- I thought it was a great title for today!

We have 5 days till we leave for Colorado and I really can't tell you how happy I am. Well, excited till I realize how long my list is- personal and business. But today... oh today is the winner winner chicken dinner... ohhh yumm that actually sounds good. How sweet it would be to crawl into the corner of my living room, hide inside a box and chow down on a bucket of KFC chicken and cole slaw. Num num....

ok where was I??

Oh yes.. so today my lovely hubby calls to tell me he loves me and at the end of our conversation he tells me to have a productive day. {not in a bad way just praying I have a good day}. Oh how I wish I can take those words and beat them over the head of someone!
I started my morning with a bowl of oatmeal and editing- so far so good. Then I start on that "list".

I try my handy dandy hands on tying to take apart bunk beds. I get one side off successfully. Feeling very proud and roar like a prod lioness. I attack the other side with a smile that quickly turns into a mad woman foaming at the mouth and eye twitching. I am pretty sure I developed another personality at this point. I decide to leave that side alone knowing that hubby would rescue me. Great ok... so I vacuumed one side, found a spider, tried to kill it with a stick that was so nice and handy under bed 1. Sadly when I went to squish that nasty spider, I lost it and have no idea where that sucker went, but I vacuumed the heck out of that carpet hoping I killed him with my mad vacuuming skills. Starting to feel proud of myself again, I went to to bed 2. Damn, same thing. So I pumped up my muscles and dragged that sucker across the room so I could at least clean under the bed. Besides the misc paper, pencils, bottle caps, blocks, crayons and things that I do not even want to know or touch, I noticed some kind of harden green goo on the carpet. Ohhh here comes the split personality.

I am pretty sure by now I blacked out from gross frustration and wondered to the laundry room. And what do my wondering eyes see?! A big pile of clothes that includes a great mixture of clean and dirty. Like they were having their own American Ninja Battle. I slowly walked out. That was the only great solution i could think of, of that moment.

Upstairs I start to clean the kitchen breakfast mess- you know that pile of cereal and milk goop that is left on the table that NO one sees as they are leaving for school. I gracefully walked into a pile of that lovely stuff on the floor so I had to hobble my ass over to the sink to clean off whatever I could from the towels and now my sock. Suddenly I heard this crash from the other room. I paused for a moment to hear if a child is hurt or they just decided to remodel wherever they were. When I heard the screaming I took off running.... where I find my dresser has fallen on Jack, scentsy warmer with wax all over the floor, wall and when I looked.. all over jack. He was fine- scared mostly. But he was talented enough to get the wax to fall on his head.. in his hair. IN HIS HAIR. How the heck am I going to get that out?!



At that moment I have decided to say "screw you list" and first google how to get wax out of carpet and then google how to get wax out of hair- I can't be the only one this happened to, right? please let there be another mom out there! So as I come to sit on my couch to google and blog my lovely day, my butts gets cold really fast. UGH- someone peed on the couch. DAMN IT!

Where's my chicken and box fort when I need it!??


Awww but when I least expect it and need it the most, here comes Jack to gives me hugs and kisses.  MMmmmm and his head smells so good.