I Believe In Miracles

I have totally slacked on my personal blog but knowing so is a good excuse for me to take one of these snowy days coming up and concentrate on it. But today I wanted to get personal again- and share my heart on something.

MIRACLES

To be honest, I find that my faith comes in different strengths on days. Some days it feels so strong and other days... well... I am just grateful that no matter where I am on my path, God's arms are always there for me.

For a few years, hubby and I have talked seriously about getting a tubal reversal. From the moment I was unmedicated from my last c-section, I KNEW it was a bad idea. I have very difficult pregnancies and I was in tears with my last little feeling that he was for sure my last. But one look at his little face.... I know I needed more. Yes, I know I am crazy. And yes, I am thankful for all that I do have. I have been blessed with 5 beautiful and amazing kids. Even on my bad crazy mom days... I love them to pieces and I want more chaos. I feel guilty every day that I agreed to do something so permanent. There are times where I spend my days in private in tears because my heart hurts so much. My family feels complete but yet, not. I do not know how to move on from it.

The cost of a reversal - for us - is more than we ever had or will have in our account. The option of a high priced credit card is not an option either. I am not asking for donations or even pity.... and please do not think that I have no heart care for the families that do everything and anything they can for IV treatments.. I know how much families go through for the small chance of their miracle. But for this moment, I want to be selfish and focus on my heart.

We have looked into programs on donations- where you share as a pool and familes on the waiting list are funded the cost of a reversal. But I have such a huge fear- that also leaves me in tears and sucks me into my black hole.

My youngest is 3- full of energy and pretty much doesn't need that mothering that I have grown so accustom to.. the diapers, the breast feeding and the cuddles. I am lucky now to get a hug longer than 3 seconds out of my kids. My hubby has been great on giving me attention but no matter how much I try to make him curl up, he just doesn't fit just under my chin and on my chest like a little wee one. I am so fearful of asking my hubby to give everything possible- taking away from our family needs to pay for a procedure that is a huge "maybe". I know there are success stories- I have read and heard many, but the fear of failure is so thick in me.

For over a month I have been deeply praying for a miracle for God to please give us a miracle and open and repair the only fallopien tube that is "workable". There are moments where I know it is possible- for anything to happen. I have heard and read stories from the bible of amazing things that have happened. And even in modern times I have read stories of truly unthinkable miracles. But does God have a plan for me?? Does he feel my heart and hear my cries... It is wrong to want this... so many of us need miracles- in health, in emotions... in life.

I want a MIRACLE.

I want to see on that stupid stick and see those pink lines show up. I want to  have that nervous giggle as I show hubby. I want those sick days where I feel like I am going to die... I want that feeling of  feeling this miracle child fluttering around... I want to lay in bed with hubby and put the remote on my belly and we laugh as we watch this child in my womb kick it off... I want the doctor appointments... the expectation of D day... I want the surprise of birthing a baby and finding out what have- a boy or a girl??? Lord, I want your miracle... Please heal this body. Give me the miracle Lord of having another child! In your name... Amen!