I am going to share some personal things - kind of like ripping myself open to share what is hidden beneath all this skin.
Almost 5 years ago, I gave birth to my last baby. I had a very hard pregnancy - harder than what felt like all of them, but during all my discomfort and doctor appointments, my doctor looked at me and told me that this should be my last pregnancy. She said that my body really couldn't take anymore and mentioned that the risks were greater after having 3 c-sections. She recommended a tubal during my c-section stating it would be easy and no life changing effects. I had questioned her because a friend of mine kept telling me that after her tubal she was dealing with a lot of hormonal changes that just were not in her norm. Sadly, I did not believe her and my doctor laughed it off saying there is no evidence of hormonal changes. When I came home after one appointment and told my husband that I decided I was going to get a tubal, he was very upset that I would make that choice. I was deciding to do something without talking to him about it and doing something that was not "normal". I completely blew him off, rolled my eyes and spatted that this was my body and I would do as I please. I was confident that my doctor - who delivered all 3 of my boys, knew what was best for me medically. I trusted her and that was all I needed.
My birth of my last kiddo was not at all peachy and honestly felt really dramatic. Even through all the pain during that delivery, there was something in me that wanted to change my mind on the tubal. Suddenly I felt that it was a bad decision. I kept my mouth closed worried about what the doctors would say if suddenly during the surgery I changed my mind.. and how could I honestly - I signed a waiver and release form.
Once I got back to my hospital room and was holding my sweet chunky baby- I knew I made the wrong choice. My heart knew. What is done is done. I just needed to accept that I was no longer going to have babies. I prayed that over time I would accept that.
A few weeks after delivery, I entered into PPD and it was bad. Both my husband and mom saw the signs and supported me to talk to the doctor. At my check up I filled in that depression sheet and before she even asked how I was doing, she said that I had every red flag on that paper. That started the heavy dose of medication for PPD. Over time and during doctor appointments we had to up the dose - doctors saying that it was the time of the year that was the hardest - giving me tips to get out of the house and walk and try to do things for myself. Once my periods became "normal" again, they were heavier and painful but we chalked it up to a normal change of hormones.
So now... I have a list of medical things of "hormonal" changes - bad mood swings, depression, chronic fatigue, bad PMS, cramping that comes and goes all the time, extreme cramping during cycle, serve headaches, constant migraines, dryness, chills and sweats,hair loss, unexplained nausea, gas pain, indigestion, and intestinal distress, feeling of memory lapse, lack of concentration, anxiety, and nervousness. Granted this could be from different medical things, but over the years and current situation and medications are still not really helping, I am left feeling that I am missing the bigger picture.
This time I have done research and talked to many women who have been in the same place as I am. I am TIRED of taking medications. TIRED of having so many sleepless nights unless helped with medication. I am TIRED of taking medications to help depression and anxiety. TIRED of all the headaches and migraines - and TIRED of still feeling all those things. Why take all this medication if I am still experiencing all of the above. Yes, maybe the medications could be helping but it is so draining to still feel all these things and be scared of what happens if I miss a day or completely get off of these.
What does all this mean?? Well, I am led to believe that a tubal DOES affect a person - and yes, not everyone will go through the same experience but for me, I fall into that category of PTLS.
If you are into reading- here are some interesting articles:
Have I peeked your curiosity of what is PTLS? Here is a brief description of PTLS
Post Tubal Ligation Syndrome, or PTLS for short, is an iatrogenesis condition
, meaning “Doctor caused” or “Doctor produced.” Many women suffer
after having a Tubal Ligation.
Post tubal ligation syndrome is often the result of a
rapid decline of estrogen/progesterone hormone levels caused by the
blood supply being damaged to the ovaries during the TL surgery
1. Ectopic pregnancy or pregnancy (well known risk of tubals)
1a. Hot flashes, flushes, night sweats and/or cold flashes, clammy feeling, chills
2. Bouts of rapid heart beat
4. Mood swings, sudden tears
5. Trouble sleeping through the night (with or without night sweats)
6. Irregular periods; shorter, lighter periods; heavier periods, flooding; phantom periods, shorter cycles, longer cycles
7. Loss of libido
8. Dry vagina
8a. Itchy vagina-at times raw like, can radiate from whole area, with absence of yeast infections.
8b. Color change in vaginal area. (color gets darker - purple/black)
9. Crashing fatigue
10. Anxiety, feeling ill at ease
11. Feelings of dread, apprehension, doom
12. Difficulty concentrating, disorientation, mental confusion
13. Disturbing memory lapses
14. Incontinence, especially upon sneezing, laughing; urge incontinence
14a.Prolapse of uterus due to rapid decreases in estrogen levels.
15. Itchy, crawly skin
16 Aching, sore joints, muscles and tendons
17. Increased tension in muscles
18. Breast tenderness
18a. Decrease in breast mass
19. Headache change: increase or decrease
20. Gastrointestinal distress, indigestion, flatulence, gas pain, nausea
21. Sudden bouts of bloat
23. Exacerbation of existing conditions
24. Increase in allergies
25. Weight gain
26. Hair loss or thinning, head, pubic, or whole body; increase in facial hair
27. Dizziness, light-headedness, episodes of loss of balance
28. Changes in body odor
29. Electric “shock” or “stabbing” sensation under the skin.
30. Tingling in the extremities
31. Gum problems, increased bleeding
32. Burning tongue, burning roof of mouth, bad taste in mouth, change in breath odor
33. Osteoporosis (after several years)
34. Changes in fingernails: softer, crack or break easier.
I feel like I am stuck in a helpless situation. Reversal surgery can be anywhere from $3000- $7000 and again should be researched correctly. The last thing I want to do is get that botched and have even worse symptoms or another list of issues. This surgery is not covered by any insurance and unless you have a stealthy savings account or impeccable credit score - well, a reversal is just not feasible. I am almost 40 years old - does this mean if I accept my health issues that I have right now that they will get worse the older I get?? I mean if menopause is anything like this - I really do not want to do that. I am already miserable and making my family miserable in the meantime. The chances of getting pregnant - I am ok with that - even pushing 40. My heart never felt finished and if God wants to bless this family again, I gladly accept that! But what I want is to feel so kind of normal again.
What do I do?? I feel like I have a splinter that can't be reached. I feel like I am crazy and no one will believe me unless it is a woman who has gone through the same thing. Sadly, there are so many, but unforunatly the medical community is not very supportive in listening but quickly writing prescriptions to band-aid the affect. Now- this is not a dig on EVERY doctor, I know there are some that do listen and do care, but sadly their hands are tied unless you opt for surgery or try another medication. UGH.
Today, my desire for doing anything is gone. I got a full day of rest yesterday but still feel so tired and worn out - and I haven't even done anything. The desire right now is to sleep more - let the day just pass by because all the day will bring is headaches, bloating, no energy, and no desire to do anything. How fair is that for my kids? How fair is that for myself? I know I am missing out on many things, but right now all I want to do is not feel the heaviness of a medicated life.
Am I crazy?!