Angles We Hear On High

A while ago I shared my journey of darkness and how my son helped me back to the light. I will be forever grateful that he is the one that keeps pushing me out of my comfort zone- as he seems to notice when I need it the most.

A few days ago I shared a story of a man I saw in Wal-mart and I called him an angel. I believe in angels and believe they come in all different ways and I truly believe that he was one on this day. I was doing my shopping- not in the greatest of moods- after all, I was shopping with a three year old at Wal-Mart- yuck! It was a crowded day- the day before Thanksgiving and there weren't too many people in the aisles with smiles, but this guy, this angel... he was there for many. He had stopped me for a moment- made some small talk about how busy it was and shared a big smile at both Jack and I- and of course we greeted him back with a warm smile. The rest of the shopping seemed to have gone a little smoother. I noticed him a few more times pausing and chatting with people- again flashing a smile and walking away as the other party also smiled. As we stood in line to check out, I looked over and there he was again. This time he turned around to this old lady behind him. She had only a few groceries and no smile on her face- as you could see the annoyance in her face from the crowds of people. He started with small talk, giving her compliments, asking if she needed help. She suddenly volunteered that today was her birthday. He smiled and said "Happy Birthday" with such joy in his voice. He then bought her chocolate, handed it over to her and said "same time and place next year!" I saw her face just light up with a beautiful smile... and just like that he was gone.

It amazes me how things and people show up in our lives just when we need it. No matter if it is meeting a new friend during a MOPS meeting, having a stranger smile at you at a store or having friends and strangers pray with you when you need it most.

My son has seemed to be struggling lately with just being "blah"- nothing seems to make him happy unless you talk about Spider man with him. He just doesn't seem.... well .. happy. I feel like all his light is gone. Last week at church service I seeked out someone in the children's ministry to see if there was a group I could introduce him to. They invited us to attend Saturday church. So- it was in the calendar and I was going to make it happen.

Today I woke up not feeling 100% and just feeling that darkness creep up on me. I had to do a session this afternoon so I decided that I would work, feed the kids and go to church- after all it was for the kids. Honestly I could not wait to get there. There was so much bickering and whining that all I wanted to do is take them to class and have an hour to myself! What I found instead.... was ever changing.

I love worship time - gives me a moment to believe that I can carry a tune and for some reason at this church I am not afraid to belt it out. To those that sit in front of me, I apologize for my out of tune lyrics! I danced, I sung and I shouted it out tonight and WOW  it felt great. I praised God for all that He is and all that He has made of me.

For a year now, things have been financially difficult and I get stressed so easy when it comes to that subject. I hurt because I see my hubby working so hard and I feel helpless that I can't do more. I hate the burden of money. I hate feeling helpless. I hate watching my husband have a dream and trying so hard to make it happen. Being a cheerleader for him just does not seem like enough. I want to do more. I trust in God but I know that I still hanging on to that wheel.
At each service those who need prayers are welcomed to lift a hand and prayers will be given. Of course I hesitated because my need just didn't seem as important as others that might need an extra prayer. But I lifted it up, swallowed my pride and emotionally feel to my knees. I opened my heart and was honest. A woman appeared at my side, Angela. She asked my name and prayer request.

"Jackie. My prayer request is financial" that is a very hard thing to share. Why do we have so much shame in sharing that? She smiled and began to pray.
I wish I could remember what she said word for word because at that moment I felt such weight lifted off my shoulders- and the tears just began to fall. She helped me find my way again- to the one that means all. He has a plan for me. For my family. He knows what we need and she re-opened my heart to trust and believe again. As she said "amen" I was so grateful that I was there in that moment. My life needed it more than I realized. The night was perfect!

But then it got better.

As prayer was ending, another woman, who smelt like a field of lavender, came and knelt by my side. She came to pray with me.. for me. We hugged each other and once again, tears just fell. MY God- how amazing are you to bring this woman to my side- someone that does not know me and pray for me. FOR ME! Jesus was there- right next to us and His love showered over both her and I.

My heart couldn't possibly love more than that moment.

Then something amazing happened.

The first lady that prayed with me, Angela, came back to me with the most generous gift and blessing that she will never know how much it really means. Words of "thanks" and a tear-filled hug can not possibly  explain that gratitude. I sat in my seat for half the service just crying- tears of joy, happiness and love. The rest of the service I sat there just speechless. I battled with the thought that I could not possible accept such a gracious gift. I wondered all night how I could possibly thank this family. Nothing seems big enough. Tonight all I can do it sit here and stare at her generous gift and just be touched.

Lord, THANK YOU! Thank you for placing these amazing people in my path and in my life and Lord I pray that you show me what I can do!
To these beautiful women that I met today- THANK YOU. I know that really does not explain my heart as my words just can not explain how GRATEFUL I am for you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you!

I Believe In Miracles

I have totally slacked on my personal blog but knowing so is a good excuse for me to take one of these snowy days coming up and concentrate on it. But today I wanted to get personal again- and share my heart on something.

MIRACLES

To be honest, I find that my faith comes in different strengths on days. Some days it feels so strong and other days... well... I am just grateful that no matter where I am on my path, God's arms are always there for me.

For a few years, hubby and I have talked seriously about getting a tubal reversal. From the moment I was unmedicated from my last c-section, I KNEW it was a bad idea. I have very difficult pregnancies and I was in tears with my last little feeling that he was for sure my last. But one look at his little face.... I know I needed more. Yes, I know I am crazy. And yes, I am thankful for all that I do have. I have been blessed with 5 beautiful and amazing kids. Even on my bad crazy mom days... I love them to pieces and I want more chaos. I feel guilty every day that I agreed to do something so permanent. There are times where I spend my days in private in tears because my heart hurts so much. My family feels complete but yet, not. I do not know how to move on from it.

The cost of a reversal - for us - is more than we ever had or will have in our account. The option of a high priced credit card is not an option either. I am not asking for donations or even pity.... and please do not think that I have no heart care for the families that do everything and anything they can for IV treatments.. I know how much families go through for the small chance of their miracle. But for this moment, I want to be selfish and focus on my heart.

We have looked into programs on donations- where you share as a pool and familes on the waiting list are funded the cost of a reversal. But I have such a huge fear- that also leaves me in tears and sucks me into my black hole.

My youngest is 3- full of energy and pretty much doesn't need that mothering that I have grown so accustom to.. the diapers, the breast feeding and the cuddles. I am lucky now to get a hug longer than 3 seconds out of my kids. My hubby has been great on giving me attention but no matter how much I try to make him curl up, he just doesn't fit just under my chin and on my chest like a little wee one. I am so fearful of asking my hubby to give everything possible- taking away from our family needs to pay for a procedure that is a huge "maybe". I know there are success stories- I have read and heard many, but the fear of failure is so thick in me.

For over a month I have been deeply praying for a miracle for God to please give us a miracle and open and repair the only fallopien tube that is "workable". There are moments where I know it is possible- for anything to happen. I have heard and read stories from the bible of amazing things that have happened. And even in modern times I have read stories of truly unthinkable miracles. But does God have a plan for me?? Does he feel my heart and hear my cries... It is wrong to want this... so many of us need miracles- in health, in emotions... in life.

I want a MIRACLE.

I want to see on that stupid stick and see those pink lines show up. I want to  have that nervous giggle as I show hubby. I want those sick days where I feel like I am going to die... I want that feeling of  feeling this miracle child fluttering around... I want to lay in bed with hubby and put the remote on my belly and we laugh as we watch this child in my womb kick it off... I want the doctor appointments... the expectation of D day... I want the surprise of birthing a baby and finding out what have- a boy or a girl??? Lord, I want your miracle... Please heal this body. Give me the miracle Lord of having another child! In your name... Amen!