Black Hole Of My Life

I have been pretty open- kind of- with my life- especially as a mom. During my pregnancy with Jack I was really concerned about slipping back into PPD (post postpartum depression) and thankfully my doc was really open to talking to me about it and the chances that due to my past, I had a higher risk of doing so. We took preventive measures and talked A LOT about our plan and what to expect. All I knew was that I did not want to get in the position I did with my previous pregnancy. PPD is a life sucker, but I was so thankful that I had a husband that I could talk to and share all my feelings, emtions and scary thoughts.
Between my hubby, the doc and I, we had made the decision to start my meds just before I left the hospital after the birth of little Jack. If you are not familiar with PPD, it is not anything along the lines that you are sad you are in the position of having another kid.... you are VERY happy to have a new blessing. I was over the moon and SO happy with my new little man. I love that little handsome guy so much- seriously. For me PPD made me have EXTREME anxiety, fears, EXTREME saddness and anger. I had terrible thoughts of something happening to the baby. I was so scared to fall back into that hole again.  For some PPD can make them feel suicidal or even worse. The worse thought I couldn't shake with my previous birth was the feeling of wanting to run myself into a passing semi truck- just me. I thought the world would be better place without saddness around everyone. THANK God, my husband was so supporting and willing to just hold me when I just needed to cry or vent.

So... just before I was discharged from the hospital with Jack, I started my dose of meds- things were great. I felt great, I was so happy and so in love. Life was full of wonderful colors. Fast forward to 4 months (now) I find myself struggling to want to keep taking them. There have been a few times where I have accidentally forgotten to take them and by 2 days of not taking them I am so unbelievably sad and angry I am not sure what to make of it. I am always amazed though after those days of accidentally skipping and when I do finally take my little blue magic pill, how much better and happier I feel. Now this week, I do have to admit I have forgotten and then got stubborn- thinking I could handle life and myself without my little blue helper. Last night it all seemed to hit me - all that sadness, depression and anger. I was so mad- so sad- at NOTHING. I couldn't even think of something to be mad or sad about. The best thing I could do was just cry myself to sleep. The only thing that felt remotely good, was snuggling with my little Jack.

This morning I woke in hopes that I would have a fresh start and could control all my emotions and hormones. Failed. Once again. Why can I NOT control myself. I think to myself that it should be so easy to not have ugly thoughts and just be happy. I mean I have everything here in front of me to make me happy. A great family- healthy kids, a great friend, my husband and this beautiful baby. Why then do all I want to do is punch the wall and take a knife to my face??? Why can I do nothing but sit in the shower and just try to close the world off? Why can I not let myself just snuggle in my hubbys arms and feel comfort? I try to get dressed in something other than sweats and I try to make myself look pretty. But just looking at myself makes me angry. Looking at my hubby makes me cry... and I know that if I just take that now stupid pill, things are just easier.

Of course after sharing and trying to explain my head to hubby, he MAKES me take my pill. I had just really hoped that I can do ME without it. I really can't wait for the day where I am healthy again mentally/ emotionally. Will that day ever come??

So, yes, this morning I took my pill *sigh* and things are feeling like they are calming down... but still so frustrating that I feel so emotionally jacked up that I have to rely on this medication to make me feel like me.

But on the bright side, I do have a goal that by this summer I will be physically healthy again by working out and eating good and then weaning myself off those pills :) After all... I do have a great supportive hubby- and that means more than anything to me!!

My Little Jack | My big scare

Monday night was probably one of my most scariest nights. Lil Jack went to bed great and actually slept for a long time. When I finally went to sleep, I was sleeping good. Around 4 a.m. I suddenly woke up and had this feeling to check on Jack. I walked over to his bassinet and noticed he wasn't breathing. I picked up his arm to touch it with the hopes that it would startled him to wake up. When that didn't work, I picked up his arm and let it drop- hoping the same thing. When I got no response, I rubbed his chest thinking for SURE that would work... nothing.... At this moment I was freaked out- you could see the windows rattle from my heart beating so hard. I finally had to PICK him up and bounce him to get him to wake up and breath. Thankfully he let in a huge grasp of air. At that moment I was in tears and thanking God with all mu might that He woke me up- and that he didn't take my little Jack. I greatly believe that God himself woke my butt up to check on him. I have no idea how long he wasn't breathing or even how long it took to get me to wake him up, but in mothers time- it took forever! The rest of the night I googled SIDS and slept with one eye open as I snuggled with him.

The next day the poor little guy threw up all day- but seemed fine. Of course my head goes to the worse. By the end of the day I was totally consumed with the fear of going to bed. What happens if I cant keep myself awake enough to make sure he was ok... how would I ever get over the fact that if I missed something and it was his time- how would I move on?? Is God going to take him from me already.... It was really too soon for me- I love this little guy so much.

Then of course I sucked myself lower into the dark abyss by regretting the fact that I got my tubes tied and wouldn't be able to have more babies. Not that Jack is replaceable, but honestly I didn't want anything to happen to him.

As bed time snuck closer I had to do the only thing I could... TRUST. Trust the fact the God was and is protecting this little baby. Trust that things happen in His way- whether I understand it or not. TRUST. Such a simple word but SO hard to do. I prayed and let go. I kissed my little man on the forehead and layed him in his bed. Said a prayer and tried to let myself sleep. I did the best I could... I ended up moving his bed right next to my pillow and sleeping very lightly. God woke me up once, I am sure He could do it again.

Night seemed to last forever but yet morning seemed to come too soon. Right now I basically feel like a zombie- but after a healthy doc appt, I am a happy momma.

The doc did decide to put him on an apnea machine- to see if there is something going to that we need to look at, or if this was just a fluke or even if he was just sick and had some spit up/ vomit that closed his air pipe- either way- we are checking it out.

So far wed have ALL heard the lovely LOUD obnoxious sound but yet I still am grateful for it lol. It is very annoying too to have your child all hooked up to wires which are connected to a bag which you have to tote around. And if you know me... I HATE wires- with a passion. It makes me start twitching!

Tonight I am hoping for a peaceful and {please} restful night!!

In the meantime- I'll be that paranoid momma bear :)